the only thing i haven't done yet is die

i need someone in my life who doesn't think things through
someone who could never catch on to the fraud of a person i've become
i can't remember the last time i said something authentic
everything off my tongue is just stuttered dialogue
my lips still leak secrets
spend my nights hung up over cheek kisses and drunken advances
all the "no,thiswillneverhappen"s
you could call me the patron saint of rolling eyes
or broken promises and canceled plans
i'll never live up to all the hype
when you're young they trick you into wishing on stars that are already burned out.
i wonder where all those wishes are now
they say there's good taste in bad decisions
don't spend your golden years wasting wishes
fixated on falling apart- "i wish you'd get busy living"
i used to love playing invincible in back yards
"mix and mingle, you just got off to a bad start"
can't tell if youre dropping hints
or if i'm just overthinking this
take you back to the lab for tests
or at least whatever you left me with.
remember me at 19, sneaking pleasantries
this is the only curse i ever carried
i'm in the business of one tracked minds
never thinking twice
my heart has all the guts
my mouth is the runner up
living on the outskirts of expectation
small talk leaves me speechless but i hope you can see it in my eyes
sometimes love is just about getting even
trading compliments and friends
when am i ever myself?
"you should just slow down.."
but you're just not keeping up*
and i never told you the way i love how you sleep in your makeup
it's funny to hear you say those words
wordy and uncommited, still so full of bullshit
i keep going back to it again and again in my head
we were the blueprint
a cut above the rest
"you could have it all"
whispering to anyone who will sleep it off
funny how this all turned south so fast
but you have to admit we were beautiful going down
sorry for sneaking around
but you've been leaving out the back door for awhile now

i hate the way you call me wasted

what do you do when no one's staying up late thinking of you? i miss crossing minds and being the math that finally adds up. just a stowaway kid who was never enough.

This is love..

“Mom, listen, I haven’t been together with topanga for 22 years, but we have been together for 16. That’s a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take walks in our strollers together around the block. When we were two, we were best friends. I mean, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color, her favorite food. Then we became six, Eric made fun of me because it wasn’t cool to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl. So for the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those “the lost years”. Then when I was thirteen, mom, she put me up against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She always was talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I’m with her, I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this.
So that’s, that’s what i think is love, mom..
When I’m better because she’s here.”

-Cory Matthews

This could kill you, but so could I

Another heart waist deep in bad intent. Where did everyone real go?

I still hold my breath when I drive past cemeteries..

Breathing: short or heavy?
Living: significant or petty?
Dying: unfortunate or pretty?

Sorry about the mess

I can't help but think this is the end. You are the only thing I ever really loved. The only thing I ever held onto. Never means forever.

If you're a liar, then I'm a fraud

a sunset can only drive you so far until the night catches on,
but you've been building this up for who knows how long.
you hated my tired red eyes
i lived inside your rolling blues.
this is how i love you: a thousand ships and ten years
even at 21 "its too late" is just as hard to hear.
i'm sorry that history shaped the way i feel.
and this "stupid band".
and everything real.
i'm only here to see how long it takes for you to leave when no one believes those pages pressed with compliments are yours.
i'm sorry..
all this leftover summer air is going to my head.
just my excuse for every hungover night..
and how i loved to play "i'm innocent- minus the fights."
its no wonder you lost interest-
i built myself out of old news and half promises.
ive kept tabs on desperation and sincerity for so long
that i can't remember where i started.
only how much i never want it to end.
trading off-brand malice for last year's discontent
but i'm an indian giver so don't go anywhere yet.